Archive for Rants

Introducing My Co-Worker, the Putrid

June 2, 2008 · Filed under Rants · Tagged ,

I absolutely detest my co-worker, Heather. She’s a pessimistic, overly analytical nagging ball of evil. Every day I arrive at work absolutely sure that I could not possibly detest her more. Every day she commits an atrocity that proves me wrong.

Today, of course, was no different.

Heather and I both arrived at work on time. (8:02 is on time, right? Sure!) Around 8:45, Kayla, our boss, assigned me a project. Thankful for anything to do, I began working diligently. At 9:00, Kayla assigns me another project. I set it aside, intent of finishing the moment my first project is done. At 9:15, a new person comes in, and Kayla assigns me the task of training them. Okay, no big deal. Both projects are put off while I train Stu.

“Have you finished calling those people?” Kayla asked me about my second project at 9:30. I told her I hadn’t because I was busy with the first project and with training Stu.

“Okay, Heather, will you call these people and schedule training?”

Heather groaned loudly. I felt deep sympathy for her. It must be terrible for her to have to do some work. To have to call a few people – how ridiculous! Somehow, despite the injustice of it all, I was able to continue training Stu until 10:15.

I immediately resumed working on my first project of the day before I left for lunch at 11. At 10:45, Heather asked me if I was going to make name badges for the new people. Heather knew I was leaving in 15 minutes, that I had been busy for the past two hours with projects, and that it would take longer than 15 minutes to make name badges for all the new hires. She also had done nothing but sit on her plump rump for the past hour, despite being perfectly capable of making name badges herself.

Again, I felt bad for her. After all,  I’d been working all morning while she sat and played online, and I was going to eat lunch instead of making name badges for her. I’m a terrible, selfish person, but I was hungry, damnit!

I hurriedly finished my project, turned it in to my boss, and scuttled out the door without a word to Heather.

That poor girl.

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Introducing My Brother, the Bonehead.

May 27, 2008 · Filed under Rants · Tagged ,

I am not a brilliant person. I don’t always have common sense. I once manged to lock myself in the bathroom two hours before a final exam, for heaven’s sake, but there are many things that are so stupid that anyone with a brain just doesn’t do them.

You don’t fill bathtubs with yogurt. You don’t try to dry your hair in the shower. You don’t tell a pregnant woman no, even if she’s asking for a peanut butter, pickle, mayonnaise and swiss cheese sandwich with a side of lard. And, unless you’re my bonehead brother, you don’t decide to set a working desktop computer in flames.

He dedicated a new Facebook album to commemorate the event, titled “Crushing the head of the Serpent.” The album also has the following caption:

This has been a stumbling block and a snare. It was time to be got rid of. I recalled Gen 3:15-16, when the Lord said “He will crush your head, and you will bruise his heel.” I am tired of having my heels bruised!

He hasn’t really elaborated on this story, but I’m pretty sure his stumbling block is either computer games – he has a terrible temper and is a very sore loser – or porn. In either case, I really don’t get it.

In a way, it does almost make sense. If you were a recovering alcoholic, you wouldn’t keep a gallon of vodka in your freezer. If you are trying to quit smoking, you wouldn’t keep cigarettes in your purse. Okay, it’s tempting, so you get rid of it. That kind of makes sense.

But in other ways, I cannot wrap around it with the world’s largest roll of saran wrap.

First, a computer is kind of expensive. It wasn’t the best computer, but it still has a fair monetary value. When “get rid of” and “item of monetary value” are put together, I think “SELL!” Not only do you get rid of something you don’t like, you get money in return. Or “TRADE!” You get something positive. Or if you’re well-off (which my family is not) or extremely generous (which also doesn’t seem the case), “DONATE!” You still get rid of your item, and someone else benefits. Isn’t that so nice of you? Maybe it could even be tax-deductible.

When I think “get rid of” and “item of monetary value,” the phrase “UP IN FLAMES!” never comes to mind. Ever. I’m pretty sure even pyromaniacs think of “SELL!” before “UP IN FLAMES!” If you were really bright – which doesn’t seem the case so far, as you can see – you could sell the item and use the money to pay for counseling.

Secondly, he has had the addiction problem prior to owning a computer. And while he did have a computer, fed it using other equipment besides his own computer. Despite owning a computer, he has thrown tantrums while playing on my PlayStation, and he has downloaded porn on my computer.

(Imagine my delight when, upon opening Winamp, I find “Awesome bisexual threesome! That is really a story all its own, but I still had to throw it in there.)

Am I really crazy to think this is incredibly dumb? Is it really smart to burn your computer, and then post it on Facebook? Does he think people will praise him? Because it seems to me that people with common sense won’t.

Then again, this is America. Maybe that does mean that people will praise him.

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